Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Emotionally unstable state

its emo time.huahua
yesterday..was a very very very bad day i guess.
for a long time i didnt feel it...but it came..
im feeling the "loser", loser feeling.
kinda hate hate hate that feeling :(

when love say hai to neglected it. but when it didnt you were waiting for it.
what can i say anyway...........
due to bad experiences before, im in precaution mode every time when im dealing with this so-called love thingy.
so right now im not sure whether i can love or im in love or i didnt love..haha kesian kan
sad truth -_____-

i just hope everyone i cherish to be happy wherever they are.just that.
its okay if im the one that getting already used to no worries.
what worries me the most is when the person that kind to me is getting hurt.
i cant afford that. huhu
im so so so sorry. i pray for the happiness always.

i cant be greedy to tell them to wait for me right?
it was such a nonsense.
i pray for the best. for them to be happy.
i didnt believe myself..i didnt believe i can fell in love again. i will reject love at any cost. i will deny. i will tell im not. i will put a higher wall to protect my pity little heart.
i dont want to be in heart broken mode again,
never never never.
thats why im giving up to play with love again.

but you know..
you can fools the brain but not the heart.
sometimes your brain tells you that you're okay, but deep inside your heart, its crying.
haha ironic.
i think my brain and heart need to discuss and be in sync at any cost.
so i'll not suffer.
cant they? :(

so yesterday the rain was heavily poured down.
somehow im mad at myself..for being..too neutral.
what is neutral anyway?
neutral is a condition when my heart is at didnt beats any faster or slower when meeting a man. haha.
so what comes, if its good, then i'll be extra good. if not, so there is nothing to worry. just let it go.
but this neutral state like i said above make myself confused.
i dont know whether to like or dislike someone that approaches me.
my solution is..when they are good, im just as good. when they are not, then let me leave.haha

this emotional unstable makes me feel like a loser.
loser...bigbang song.heh
im kinda hate that feeling very much.

i can live by the people im with right now.
its okay.
maybe Allah takes back what He lends me before.
thank you Allah for all the happiness.
this short happiness i received were a great memories.
but sadly it turns out to be a nightmare :(
im sorry.
sorry seems to be the hardest word.
cecee nak nyanyi pulak.

the conclusion is, i will not run back to what broke me.
maybe there is a hikmah..blessings in disguise.

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