Monday, January 26, 2015

To whom it may concern

Emo time.

this post will be too emotional and any irritating words that can make you vomit.haha

thislife..yeahh..sure i did tell i'd been hurt bfore. but then this one person came. another test from Allah to me or he is the one..im confused at that time. many times i would like to give up..in order to not getting hurt again. but, no. im hanging there until i got hurt.haha.
he was the person that teach me how to be loved again. thankful to him. but somehow he did hurt me too.haha. ottokajo?now i dont think i'll be able to love again. for so much time and courage i took to love again and then finally it goes in vain. maybe my fault too. im giving tests for him. yea..to know whether he was seriously can handle me or not. and the result was the same. no one can handle me.haha. im such a problematic psycho. the happiness crawling to me and yet i push them away. why? bcoz i cant stand to get hurt again.huuuu. now, when the happiness went away..what happened to me? sure im still alive (if not who the one that write here?) haha.
the period of happiness Allah granted me..im so much grateful. i still cant believe there is a man out there that can like me.haha.(poyosss) he is so kind and will hear what i said patiently. and the only one i guess until now that can be that patient (to handle me). you know im kinda weird in my own way. but yea..there is limit right. myb he cant stand all the tests i'd given to him..and at one point..there was farewell between us. after farewell was said..the healed heart broken into pieces again.haha. im trying to learn how to love again..and somehow..i managed to climb step by step..but...the ending was sad. so so so sad. he has another person. yea, its a part of my fault too. i know. i know. whatever it is..i just wish him and his chosen partner a bunch of happiness now and ahead. when im missing him..what should i do? pretend to be strong and tell Allah everything. all the feelings turn to eyes water laaa what else can it be.haha. i would not like to disturb any couple..bcoz i dont keen if people do to me too if i had one someday..ehh?
what are this im bubbling about?dont know..just the emo part of me forcing the way out today. to that person..im sorry if i hurt you in a way that made you suffered..but yea im suffering too. so we're even. very psycho of me. thank you for all this while..for loving me and been there for me..im grateful to Allah always for lending you to me. but somehow i felt weak..i cant accept the fact there is no person beside me anymore.haha. what can i do..nothing. i'll not force you to come back to me..and i dont want it too. once you left, meaning you left forever. same with others. i pray we'll never meet again.haha. myb when im free at heart someday then we can meet?haha. im afraid what will i do when i meet you again.haha. the psycho heart in me had been hurt so much that make me dont believe in love again.ottoke.....haha. but i know im strong. will be strong and will keep strong. this life is too short to be unhappy right? so i'll smile as brightly as i can..before, now and in future too..im trying the best i can to be happy on my own. Allah is there for me. then why should i get sad?haha.i lost it tonight. if anyone want to vomit..feel free. myb i'll too when im reading this again another time.haha. my sincere hope..hopefully myb there is someone out there that can handle the psycho me..and help to mend the pitiful heart of mine.i just wish.....insyaAllah.