Saturday, July 1, 2017

Loved, Its Over Now

It’s getting farther away, your heart is leaving
It’s getting smaller, my image (compared to) you
It’s cooling, our passionate story
When you’re still the only one for me
I try laughing. I try calling your name,
In case you’d come back.
Without having cried, deceiving myself
I call out your name once again.
Because it ended in the midst of love
Because you left me so easily
Our many memories, the many promises we made
They all ended with your few words.
In the warm sunshine, I alone am frozen now.
With the cold expression
And your back quickly turning from me
We ended.
I try laughing. I try calling your name,
In case you’d come back.
Without having cried, deceiving myself
I call out your name once again.
I just can’t believe it,
As I’ve always done,
I’ll keep hoping you’d come back.
How could I erase you?
Amongst the many people
I alone am by myself
Can’t even walk one step forward
Absentmindedly, I only look at that place you left
If we can go back to how we used to be
I’ll stop here at this place.
Although I’m a little scared,
Although it would be foolish
Even if I have to do this,
I’ll wait for you.
-brian,-

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A brave soldier

Once upon a time..there was a lonely soldier live happily at her big strong high fortress... she was happy with herself with nobody disturbing or ruin her peace of life. But suddenly...

her peaceful life was invaded. There were some passing by people try to make her to leave her fortress and want her to enjoy the life outside the fortress. At first she reluctant to do so because the fortress was everything to her and she is happy inside. She is afraid she might get hurt when she steps outside of it. After several temptation attempts of the people..her heart was weak and she decided to abandoned her fortress and wander outside of it. She made a bold decision and went outside the fortress alone. Without think anything about the worst outcome she may faced afterwards. She just went out and enjoy it as much as she can.

The excitement of the outside world is not long. The people that tempt her to leave the castle turned out to be the enemies. She was blind by the happiness outside the fortress. She was ambushed and fired at any cost by the enemies. They did not had any pity for her. They fired and fired and bombed her. And....until she is no longer has any desire to live and just wanna die.

But...after a time...the soldier woke up. She thought that she may be hurt and didnt have enough courage to fight again..but she made a decision to attack back. She uses all the means she had and attacked the enemies. Until the enemies is down. Although she was hurt and weak..she gathered all her courage to make herself win at the end. She wanted the enemies to learn that she is not weak indeed. She may come stronger that she seems to be. And she made it for the attacks. All the attacks made the enemies to surrender and become weak.

Then she decided to wander around and pick anything that left from her burned ashes fortress. Somehow she has a weak heart again..she came back to see if the enemy was alright. How fool she is. It is a bless to have a nice heart anyway? It made her such a dumb ass. But now, she was thinking to let the enemy to live happily or to invade their life back. It is a waste right to care about people who hurt and did not care about her. She once made a decision to let go of everything and lets build a bigger, stronger and higher fortress that nobody that not anybody can pass through and invade it.

But..while she is building the fortress..she is thinking to wander around for a while...maybe she is thinking that out there, there is her other half soldier like her that will understand her pain and sorrowfulness. And they can make up and live together in this rough world...

Saturday, June 3, 2017

IrrEsiStibLe

Coming in unannounced, drag my nails on the tile
I just followed your scent, you can just follow my smile
All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine
Cutting me to the bone, nothing left to leave behind

You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon
I didn't come for a fight but I will fight till the end
And this one might be a battle, might not turn out okay
You know you look so Seattle, but you feel so LA

And I love the way you hurt me
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

I'm gonna get you to burst just like you were a bubble
Frame me up on your wall just to keep me out of trouble
Like a moth getting trapped in the light by fixation
Truly free, love it baby, I'm talking no inflation
Too many war wounds and not enough wars
Too few rounds in the ring and not enough settled scores
Too many sharks, not enough blood in the waves
You know I give my love a f-f-four letter na-na-name

And I love the way you hurt me
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

You're second hand smoke, second hand smoke
I breathe you in, but, honey, I don't know what you're doing to me
Mon chéri, but the truth catches up with us eventually
Try to say live, live and let live
But I'm no good, good at lip service
Except when they're yours, mi amor
I'm coming for you and I'm making war

And I still love the way you hurt me
And I still love the way I hurt you
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

Sunday, May 7, 2017

F0oLs

I am tired of this place, I hope people change I need time to replace what I gave away And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes I see a little house on the hill and children's names I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray But everything is shattering and it's my mistake Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this The differences and impulses and your obsession with The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol I don't give a fuck, I'm not giving up, I still want it all Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes I see a little house on the hill and children's names I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray But everything is shattering and it's my mistake Only fools fall for you, only fools fall Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools fall Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you (only fools) Only fools do what I do (only fools) Only fools fall for you (only fools) Only fools do what I do, only fools fall (Only fools) (Only fools) (Only fools) (Only fools)


only fools fall. remember. remember. remember. dont fall fools.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

aLwAys..always be.

When I wrote the song, I decided not to release the song. I thought the status described in the lyrics would go forever. So, (I’m) blaming others. Not others, but the world. I thought my status would be the same and I would not release the song. The reason why I released this song is because I no longer feel like the one (the character) in the lyrics. That’s why I was able to release the song. Many fans felt sad about it. However, by releasing the song, it was like saying bye to myself. To myself who had been sad in 2016 and 2015. That’s how I felt.
… After a series of the incidents that were ugly, I had a lot of thoughts. I did, in the beginning, when others talked about me in a criticizing way, rather, when others gave me unfavorable feedbacks or advice. It could be criticism, it could be condemnation. When I heard so, I felt like this in the beginning, “Why? I did it for a reason” Because I thought I have been like this. I thought I’ve never caused any trouble or inconvenience to others. I’ve never thought that way. Because I studied hard when I was young, I worked hard on music, I performed hard. I liked playing games. That’s what consisted of my life. At school, I was an obedient student, I did well at school so teachers liked me. I never fought with classmates and I was around with friends. I’ve never thought that my behaviors or my music or words could hurt others or inconvenience toward others. I never thought about it that way.
As I went through the year of 2016, I came to think about that. My words or my behaviors, regardless of my intentions, could cause troubles and hurt others' feelings. In the process, I thought I need to hold responsibility for that and I need to think about such things. What I said or did would not be undone, I thought so. Then I learned how to admit myself. It was hard to admit that I could hurt others' feelings. It took a long time. It was hard because I’ve never felt that way. Now, I feel much better about my feelings and emotions. Now, when I hear something about me, even if it’s criticism or condemnation, I am able to think about what made them say so. “What did I do wrong? What did I cause others to feel uncomfortable? What made them criticize me?” I am now able to think like that. For now, I can’t talk about what was changed in detail. Still, I may have another chance to talk about it later.
That’s why I was able to release “Always”. The lyrics are very defensive. I wrote the lyrics a year ago or so when I felt stressed. I am now able to release it because I no longer feel that way.

-Rapmon feelings for "Always" song. sad sad so sad. Its like my feelings..we are same rpmon haha..thankyou. lets admit if we are wrong and accept the goods one to improve ourselves. but dont be so rude, because i can be more than that. haha. adiossaaa~



One morning, I opened my eyes
And wished I was dead
I want someone to kill me
In this loud silence
I live to understand the world
But the world has never understood me, why
No, that half is missing
It's trying to hurt me...

Saturday, April 29, 2017

D0nt sAy g0odbye

I can’t read your feelings since you try not to meet eyes with me,
Because I feel like a lost child, I just wait

Truthfully, I know what you’re going to say,
But I can feel that it’s not your whole heart; your tears tell me

Don’t say goodbye,
I can hear your heart telling me not to let go of your hands,
I can hear you heart; You still just want me,
You can’t hide it, you can’t lie

I won’t allow it – your lie of wanting to separate,
Look in my eyes and tell me,
It’s not…it’s not the truth

Don’t say goodbye,
I can hear your heart telling me not to let go of your hands,
I can hear your heart; Even if the world turns its back on us; Even if it’s a painful love,
You are my love, you are my soul

Don’t say goodbye, don’t leave me now,
The promises we’ve shared is everything to me

Don’t say goodbye, you are my everything to me,
My tired days only look for you,
Like a pond which won’t dry, I’ll love you,
You are my love, you are my soul

Don’t say goodbye, you are the only one for me,
As if nothing has happened, if today passes,
Let’s not let go of each other, and we’ll make it through,
Cause you are my everything to me,
Cause you are my everything to me

-DBSK-


reminisce the memory dgr blk lagu2 dbsk..super awesome. 
cute nye jaejoong..la haaii
^^

Monday, April 24, 2017

Ending Scene

Hi, it’s been a while
There’s no question mark in your voice, it’s so you
As if it’s a rule
Your seat is always the same, by the cold entrance

Make sure you eat well, because it’ll all pass
You’ll be able to fall asleep like you did before
I really mean it
You have the right to be happier

Don’t say those words, please
You know those words hurt even more
You say you’re gonna love me, what use is it?
You don’t know what kind of heart you gave me

As much as you were lonely
I really hope you meet someone
Who will love you more than you
I’m sorry that she’s not me
It’s not easy to give

Don’t say those words, please
You know those words hurt even more
You say you’re gonna love me, what use is it?
You don’t know what kind of heart you gave me

Please be honest with me
You know I believe anything you say
Just like you said
Will I ever receive love from someone who is like me?

-IU-


This song is so so so sad. haha
my current state right now.
ottoke.
just can force a smile when read this lyrics.

"I really hope you meet someone who will love you more than you"

Saturday, April 22, 2017

And so love is....

Love comes close
But keeps going away
Love is out of countless of people
But only you
Love becomes the wind
Untouchable
Unattainable
Dream brings you to me
The first voice I hear all night becomes laughter
Before I know it you’re walking ahead of me
I couldn’t stop even for a moment and I think my heart is going to explode
My love for you that I have alone
It’s full and precious in my heart
My love for you that I have alone
It’s eternal and unwithering
Leftover sky black night wind
Memories of you that left me are lit brightly
In a world where everything is going to disappear
The desperate longing I have for you is growing
My love for you that I have alone
It’s full and precious in my heart
My love for you that I have alone
It’s eternal and unwithering
Maybe love is your hand I can’t reach
Trying to hold on
Maybe I’m trying to go
Where love doesn’t exist
-IU-

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Marriage

Marriage.

Everyone wants to get married right.
But, I dont. 
after so much heartbreaks..i dont think i can make it to marriage.haha
poor me? 
please dont.

lead your life as a single is less trouble.
believe me, i'd tried.

being single vs in a relationship.
its so much trouble being in a relationship. 
there is one other shinjang you must aware of..cant just think about yourself.
its also damn painful if the relationship fails.
haha
so the safest method is not to involved in any kind of this BS.

but i'd dreamt of my fantasy marriage. 
if i'd ever marry someday. 
maybe not.
haha
just my marriage goals.

i want to make it simple, after the pernikahan..solat sunat sujud syukur.
then a little feast for the guests.
the attire just a simple creamy white baju kurung which i'd already have.
haha amazing i'd prepared how many years ago..six?
then for the next day kenduri, also simple one..after the arrival of groom and bride, then eat..and i want to walk and greet the guests that come to the wedding.
say hai to each and everyone of them.
its not just stay at your place and see them from far away..no no no. not my preference.
then for the baju..i'll just wear any baju raya dress that i already had. and my groom wear a simple baju melayu with same color.
then the pelamin, just make DIY.
the doorgift. just simple too.
lets get back to 90's. an egg for the doorgift. easy.
ahaa forgot. the hantaran..just 3. alQuran, sejadah and telekung. enough.
i dont prefer ring because not used to wear them, i already have rantai and gelang..then whats more?
haha
i dont need anything then i guess.
for mas kahwin i dream to make my spouse to recite any ayat from the Quran. for example Surah Yasin and AlWaqiah.
no need dj or songs during the kenduri.
let it be peaceful.
then i would like to have son for my first new born if can.
i'll teach him basketball.kekekeke
he will grow up to be anak yg soleh, gentleman, tall and as handsome as his father ofcourse.
daughter? 
i cant handle if my daughter to be gedik type..thats why i prefer son instead. 
haha
wahhhh.. my dream is big.

but but but.
it is just a beautiful dreams.
haha
i cant fell in love anymore.
didnt have the heart anymore.
dont confuse i dont hate men..just i dont have any feelings for them anymore.
truly.
enough.
i just want to leave this world and meet Allah.
Allah's love one and only.
its enough for me insyaAllah.

but if someday Allah's fate that i'll get marry to someone..
i just hope he is capable to withstand me with a lot of sabar.
im not perfect..far away from it.
have many mengadeness, short-tempered and many more.
no one ever succeeded to not leave me.
kahkah.
all of them left.
left for good maybe.

its okay.
i'll live..and im living my best too.
there are many things you can do in this temporary world.
marriage is not the ultimate life goal.
the ultimate life goal is to die with ease, your grave is big and smells good and meet Allah with smile. being in syurga with Nabi Muhammad SAW and his companions, my families and friends.
insyaAllah.
aamiin.

all in all.
i dont hate marriage.
i pray for each and everyone of my friends to get married and live happily.
may them found their soulmates soon.
aamiin.

" You create your own happiness, not others. But first be happy with yourself. "

Sunday, January 29, 2017

House of Cards

It’s at stake again, it’s dangerous again
So bad why, we are, yeah
To withstand it more, to sustain it more
So hard (hard), it can’t
 
Even if I knew already
I can’t stop
No way, no way, no way i fall
 
As time passes
It just becomes more ruined
No way, no way it’s collapsing again ah
 
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more
 
As if there’s no such thing as tomorrow
As if there’s no such thing as a “next time”
Right now, in front of my eyes, everything without you
Is a terribly pitch-black darkness
I say it like a habit
We won’t work in the end
Even so, I keep hoping
As long as I’m with you in the end as well, I’m okay
 
Even if I knew already
I can’t stop
No way, no way, no way I fall
 
As time passes
It just becomes more ruined
No way, no way, no way its collapsing again ah
 
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more
 
Slow down the time
Please stay for a little more oh
 
Please Baby Calm down
Just a little more
 
More precarious more dangerous
we are so bad (so bad) yeah
To endure to support more
So hard as it falls again ah
 
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Emotionally unstable state

its emo time.huahua
yesterday..was a very very very bad day i guess.
for a long time i didnt feel it...but it came..
im feeling the "loser" syndrome..no, loser feeling.
kinda hate hate hate that feeling :(

when love say hai to you..you neglected it. but when it didnt you were waiting for it.
aigoooooooo
what can i say anyway...........
due to bad experiences before, im in precaution mode every time when im dealing with this so-called love thingy.
so right now im not sure whether i can love or im in love or i didnt love..haha kesian kan
sad truth -_____-

i just hope everyone i cherish to be happy wherever they are.just that.
its okay if im the one that getting hurt..im already used to it..so no worries.
but,
what worries me the most is when the person that kind to me is getting hurt.
i cant afford that. huhu
im so so so sorry. i pray for the happiness always.

i cant be greedy to tell them to wait for me right?
it was such a nonsense.
i pray for the best. for them to be happy.
i didnt believe myself..i didnt believe i can fell in love again. i will reject love at any cost. i will deny. i will tell im not. i will put a higher wall to protect my pity little heart.
i dont want to be in heart broken mode again,
never never never.
thats why im giving up to play with love again.

but you know..
you can fools the brain but not the heart.
sometimes your brain tells you that you're okay, but deep inside your heart, its crying.
haha ironic.
i think my brain and heart need to discuss and be in sync at any cost.
so i'll not suffer.
cant they? :(


so yesterday the rain was heavily poured down.
haha
somehow im mad at myself..for being..too neutral.
what is neutral anyway?
neutral is a condition when my heart is at rest..it didnt beats any faster or slower when meeting a man. haha.
so what comes, if its good, then i'll be extra good. if not, so there is nothing to worry. just let it go.
but this neutral state like i said above make myself confused.
i dont know whether to like or dislike someone that approaches me.
my solution is..when they are good, im just as good. when they are not, then let me leave.haha

ottokaji?
this emotional unstable makes me feel like a loser.
loser...bigbang song.heh
im kinda hate that feeling very much.
grrrrrrrrr.

i can live by the people im with right now.
its okay.
maybe Allah takes back what He lends me before.
thank you Allah for all the happiness.
this short happiness i received were a great memories.
but sadly it turns out to be a nightmare :(
im sorry.
sorry seems to be the hardest word.
cecee nak nyanyi pulak.

the conclusion is, i will not run back to what broke me.
never.
ever.
insyaAllah.
maybe there is a hikmah..blessings in disguise.
senyum.
:)