Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Dangshin upsshi motsal ahyo

Taradda..aloooohaa my blog!
Long time no see you meh.
haha bian~

Dangshin upsshi motsal ahyo...meaning?
Google sndri..kahkah.
its already reaching the end of 2017 right.
meh nk blnja mpek pnjg skit.hee~

my life so far..Alhamdulillah..still healthy, young and wild.kekeke.
i will live my life happily without any regrets.
hdup ni skali je..xmo la nyesal apa2 kn.all out!
dlu ade stu post ni that i wrote that i'll fight for this one person.
ade ke x ea draft ke..almk kantoi la klo draft je.
xpela..meh nk summary skit.
i'd fall in love with this amazing man.
why he is so amazing anyway?

one:: he didnt ever give up on know den ni xdela btul sgt..bgong je..pstu emo pun byk. emo tu akn dtg if org tu penting klo leh emo dgn korg mksdnye korg pntg..which means i cared lot klo dh msuk bab emo tu ea.klo layan.boleh blah.xde nk amik kisah la klo de pape yg brlaku..i dont like many drama in my life.kekeke. but this person..although im in that state of ultimate emo(which i called my loser phase) when i showed him of my true self..he didnt give up on me. he advised me and ask me questions.hahahaha. soln knp mcm tu..knp ni..knp tu..knp pntg diri..haha. i love actually when people give me i know when im wrong. and then i can reflect and change insyaAllah. bknnye klo tau pi sebar kat org lain. big NO! sbb tu syg lbih.wink2

two:: he knows the silence cry of prtama so touched that he knows im crying although i didnt make any expertise is in silence crying.kahkah.but he knew back then that im crying.aigooo abis la macho mcm ni..kntoi ade org tau ngis.hahahahahahahaha.huuu.mcm mn dia tau ea?smpi skrg mcm trtanya2 mcm mn dia leh tau..hmmm

three:: he made me to crash my damn high walls with his patience and love.haha.after all these years...i know a bit about myself.a bit je?haha yela a bit je bru tau psl dri sndri even dh tua bp puluh thn dh hdup nh.dush. i dont know how to love..ala2 lagu tu la.."aku tak pandai bercinta..aku tak indah bicara.." when i fall..i fall damn hard..all out i will love that person. but man didnt like this type of love i guess...bcoz they cant handle me well when im so much complicated..emo and so on.huuuuu sad truth. but i dont know what to do actually..when they decide to leave me..ofcos i'll fell sad and clingy towards them.i will ask so much questions..sbb syg sgt la buat smua tu..hahaha tp dorg xamik kisah dh pun..sbb dh buat kptsn nk tinggalkn ended up i hurt so damn much...but you know..i have no regrets...because i'd loved so damn much too. so brbalik kpd topik td..after being heartbroken i'd set and put my heart in this castle of mine which built up damn high and strong so no one can hurt me again.thats the reason if anyone wants to come into my life and heart..i tested them. i'd hurt this one person before..he was so nice..he liked me..but im cruel to him.myb i hurt him..and then after awhile he then left me too.he got someone who he can loves with ease and love him too. im truly sorry actually..i didnt mean to do harm to you..just..i want to protect the heart of mine.bianney.the results of my damn high walls.huuuuu.dush3 skit. but Alhamdulillah after that i learnt..there are no use actually the high forget to love and to live. so after i'd encounter to my sayang..ehh pngil my syg la ea nnt confuse dgn yg dlu tu..ehee gtl noe. my sayang..he was the reason i crashed the walls. his patience and love for me..for accepting me for who i am..for never ending advice..for taking care of me..for loving me..for missing so much grateful for him to come to my life. Alhamdulillah.

okay tiga je.hahaha.actually im really super grateful to Allah..for giving me the opportunity to love him..felt the be in loved..indah bak hang!im so much in love where i think i just cant live without him.ngeeee~ Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah infinity. indah lg kn klo Allah syg kita, dgn kita syg Allah balik :D

my love story is still ongoing..although many challenges encountered and say hye..i'll be strong.. i will always pray and pray and pray hopefully one day the happiness Allah can lend to me.eheee..jgn putus asa!fight for your your doa. Allah is the only one that can fulfill all the long as there are good for us. i wish for his happiness always..sincerely from my heart. if and only if written up there that we're never meant to be in this world....dh bljr redha dh..i'd said to myself that its okay...why? because to get the chance to just love him already makes me super happy and thankful.Alhamdulillah. pray for me too keh.

Assalamualaikum..see ya. adiossaaaaaaa ^^

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Lets not forget HIM

Expecto patronum!

Alhamdulillah for today yaAllah..for the smile and happiness.
this so short..i wanna make the most of it.
i wanna treasure and live to the max.
i dont want anymore to waste any time doing nothing or waiting.
i will chase my dream.
i will chase what i want.
but all in all..i will not forget nothing, pathetic fools without HIM.

kdg2..kita rasa apa yg kt doakn tu Allah tak dengar. 
lps tu kita putus asa. walhal Allah makbulkn dlm waktu yg terbak tanpa kita sangka2.
jd jgn mudah dh putus asa okay fadzilah.
you're strong.
one day all your doas will be granted the most awesome for you.
just be patient.
just rely on Allah..not any other.
remember Him always.
dont ever never forget Him.
He is always there watching you..
dont ever neglect Him and do something that make Him angry.
sesungguhnya api neraka itu benar dan nyata..dan juga sungguh panas.
huuuuuuu minta dijauhkan.

mulai hari ini..mari...mari kitaa punyai..
" perangai ahli syurga..
perbuatan ahli syurga..
fikiran ahli syurga..
akhlak ahli syurga..
permintaan ahli syurga..
amalan ahli syurga..
keinginan ahli syurga
kehidupan ahli syurga.. "

lets target to be in His beautiful heaven..Jannatul Firdaus.
one day InsyaAllah.
go for it.

*got one iv next next week. and two job results still in processing. do pray for me ya. i'll do my best insyaAllah.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

It will come...

how are you doing?
haha spe nk jwb nh.
ngeng je.

Im doing great. Alhamdulillah.
Still standing strong and patiently.
Enhance my love stronger everyday in the doa and prayers.
Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for not leaving me.
Without Allah, Im completely a loser and nothing.

Just came back from johor for convo's day.
Alhamdulillah everything went well and all the pictures and people were beautiful.
my best convo ever.
meeting my love ones too.
xmo blnja gmbr convo kat sni..haha

now focusing to find job..hopefully one can be the best for me.
doakn skali ye smua :)
spe2 ade kje kosong yg memerlukan seorang yg dedikasi roger2 keh.haha
the job is coming..insyaAllah.yakin dan percaya rezeki semua Allah yg berikan.
I will wait with great endurance.insyaAllah.

Monday, October 2, 2017

My sayang

Ni hao!

mari kita mulakn misi merepek kerepek.kekeke~

you know..i pray hard to Allah to grant me love...ala2 syurga cinta..cinta smpi ke syurga gitu.and smua pun tahu nk msuk syurga bkn senang.jd there is a quote.."i ask Allah for love, but He gave me trouble people to help." We didnt get what we want but we get what best for us.kali ni kita akn cungkil sisa liku about someone that i hold dear in my heart. klo nk bce, bce..xnk sudah..ngeh2.

sblm ni mmg rs mcm hati dh trtutup..sbb byk sgt heartbroken nye..and i always wonder why didnt i get the love that i want..which are cthnyaa...someone that can hold me tight when im broken.tu cliche..maksudnye..someone that can fight for me..knows how to console me when im mad/ me unconditionally..being nice and take care of me..and accept me for who i am for all my weaknesses and strengths.tapi...stlh byk kali heartbroken(acee..mcm byk sgt je haha)..i still didnt pass Allah's test for me. i mean surely Allah gave those people to me and broke my heart right? there is somewhere from there Allah wants me to learn from it or from them. tapi...sadly myb i didnt learn anything. thats why the heartbreak keep coming to me.huhuu

so after years passed by..Allah opens my heart again to love this one man. at first im reluctant to accept him..why?because i didnt want to feel that broken phase ade stu ayt ni.."dont keep your heart like you want to retire with it." so im all out take the risks and fall to this man. he is someone that break my damn high strong walls which i built so many years.ingt dh sedia kukuh dh xleh runtuh tp runtuh gk.haha. and i love him for not giving up on me.i truly love him.thank you yaAllah for giving me the opportunity to open my heart again and being in loved. loving him is among the best things that happen in my life. i truly thank Allah for the happiness.

but, balik kpd ats td..nk msuk syurga bkn sng.same with i ask Allah to grant me the syurga cinta. many trials came to say first, i felt very frustrated, damn sorrow occupied my life until my weight decrease about 6kg know im not someone which easily to gain weight and to lose weight klo dh turun tu ingt sng nk naik blk?haha adess..skrg still struggling nk naikkn brt blk nh.underweight dh.doakn ea smua.(tula ms brt okay beria nk Allah dh kasi kurus..haa tau pun xbest.dush3.heart of matter, blja syukur slalu.) but during my miserable time tu..i pray harder..harder..harder to Allah..i pray for the best.and now i realize that we must give first in order to get.for example..i want someone that will fight for me by any i must first fight for him. i want someone to accept me for who i i must accept them for who they are. currently im learning all that. and one thing dpt pencerahan yg sgt cerah..anything in this world is belong to and pray to Him..sabar, tawakkal sebenarnya hanya pada Dia. then my heart is at ease.Alhamdulillah ^^

okay for this special man.i pray our soul will become one someday insyaAllah.doakn smua byk2.heee. i do love him with all my heart and soul and will always love him. i will love him unconditionally, accepts all his weaknesses and strengths, not giving up on him and all in all...i pray harder that one day he can become my halal ones. i want to hold him tight and never let him go. and grow old together with him.wahhh besarnye cita2..heh mestilah!

so right now, i just can pray for the best. i pray Allah gives happiness to him everyday and leave all to Allah. in the meantime, im preparing my best self to be the one that he can rely in future.i know im not perfect..nobody is perfect just let do our best okay. i fight for him in my doa because he is someone that i cant afford to lose. he is my smile and also tears.haha.thats why i want to fight for if we're meant to be..Alhamdulillah. if not, i'd tried my best and i'll not have any regret insyaAllah.sbb ape..sbb jodoh kt smua kn dh trtulis dh sejak azali siapa kt nk prsoalkn?kne belajar redha okay wlau syg mcm mn skalipun. i just want him to be happy and happy and happy.because i love him.wink2. you know why im in love with him? because by loving him..i got to learn so many things. i learned that loving someone is not an easy thing.haha..yela dh bse sorg klo brdua ni kne nk jaga hati lg..xleh nk pntg dri..kne jaga kelakuan jgn nk ikut kepala sndri je.huahua.dush3. same with in marriage..lps kahwin kn smua belang ni sbnr practise gkla ni. then i learned to forgive with all my heart, by putting the ego asides. you know..apelah ade pd ego nh..i rather choose happiness than ego.xbwk kemana pun weyh ego tinggi tu.buang tong smph campak jauh2. i didnt care if people said im crazy why should i fight again..because i fight for my happiness.then i'll be happy i guess..i'll be happy by doing all that. besides, i also learnt how to accept and tolerate with people's weaknesses. everyone has weaknesses..i think out of the box, something that happen from his point of view.haha.reverse psychology..i learned all of that.byk kot blja. sbb tu syg lbih.acee.

lelaki ni lain drpd pmpn..lelaki akn ingt pmpn ni serabut..haha..sbb otak dorg simple je.pmpn ni akn tny mcm2..amik berat..mmbebel..nasihat..nk attention klo dh syg. mst la sbb syg pmpn ni bt smua tuh. klo xsyg dorg x heran la cik abg oi korg nk bt ape buatlah. bg lelaki dan perempuan di luar sne..meh nk nsht skit nh..amik pedoman xsmua pmpn mcm ni..ade je pmpn yg that so 'cool' type tp jarangla.hahaha. pmpn ni dia pny hati klo dh syg..fuhh syg sgt la.sbb tu klo llki ckp nk break..pmpn akn bgong skjp..dia akn call/msg non-stop..non-stop ye bce ulang non-stop.haha.knp nk break ape slh bla bla bla. tp llki ni rimas ble jd mcm tu wahai pmpn sekalian.haha. nk bt mcm mn..pmpn ni byk emosi la wahai llki skalian.sbb dorg syg.dorg nk slmtkn hbgn llki xfhm..dorg fkir semak je pmpn ni bt mcm tu..wlaupun dlu syg..syg..haha.sbb llki ni sbnr nk that so called 'need space'. jd awk wahai pmpn..klo llki tu mnta break/xmsg awk..awk cool je dlu..jgn serang dia.jgn msg/call pape tny ape dorg cool down dgn time yg dorg nk.llki ni nk space sbb ade ssuatu la yg trjd..mslh kje/stress/kluarga apa2 la yg swktu dgnnya.jd awk sbg pmpn jgn pressure mereka mereka msuk gua dlu.jgn kacau.nnt dh settle dorg kua la tu cri awk konsep ni x apply klo llki tu main kayu tiga ea.klo dia cheated awk jd awk bt ape trhegeh lg kat dia.awk move on jela okay awk.klo skali dia boleh menipu..possibility dia nk menipu akn dtg ade lg.percayalah.melainkan dia dh taubat sebenar-benar taubat nasuha.okay tu sdkt tips bg awk llki dan baik amik jd kn pngjrn, klo slh maafkn la tu bt research skit psl nh...aheh.

to all people who is searching for the love right love unconditionally.dont ever keep your heart in a damn place where no one cant reach out like i did few years ago.hahahaha. spread the love and insyaAllah one day Allah will grant you the love that you're seeking with your sincere heart. and do believe that Allah knows the best for us. He will not let us be alone. He will grant all the doas you make in a perfect, beautiful time that best for you. believe in Him okay. dan yg plg penting cintakan Allah yg utama. bru cinta manusia. dgn itu hati akn tenaang..insyaAllah. :)

right now, im preparing to make my life to be awesome so that i can share my beautiful life with him. marriage is about sharing the life you got with one another. so i want to make my life as exciting as i can so that we both will not be bored.lme kot nk brsma kn nk grow old together.hahaha. pray for me too keh. okay jom tdo. adiossaa~

"share my life..take me for what i am. cause i never change all my colors for you.take my love, i'll never ask for too much."

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

My master's last journey


tarradaaaa,,aloha my blog, long time no see you. miss me miss me miss me? psycho!haha
okay kali ini kt akn mepek about my life journey in utm during my postgrad.xde la hebat sgt..just wanna thank everyone yg xpnh berhenti support. i love you guys you know. and thank you Allah for all the endurance and patience and finally skrg nmpk cahaya nk konvo tu. bp kali nk quit hr tu spnjg master ni..ingt senang?kahkah.

tp nk cte dr awl den memory cte yg dr thn ni jela ea..awl2 thn tu okay.mgkn ade lg dlm folder memory otak ni..jap nak korek. ^^

awl thn ritu the struggle is real.giler hari2 kepala sakit..migrain.haha. den ni mmg ade migraine tu cuma jarang brlaku. slalu klo over jog, main badminton and activities luar yg super active leh migrain tu dtg. klo psl kerja ni jarang la. nmpk x mksudnye mmg btul giler la. sbb stress kot..nk kejar submit thesis sblm abis sem tu bln2 tu..sbb xnk byr yuran sem bru.haha.yela mybrain xcover dh..nk korek duit dr celah mana haa. nk ckp klo rest sehari xhdap lappy pun skt kpla tu dtg..mgkn dh hr2 xbt kje pun still dtg gk skt nye.mihmih.

so bln1 tu hr2 writing thesis update bla bla..and i wanna thank this special person i hold dear in my heart..bagi kata-kata semangat dan dorongan suh siapkn kje cpt2, teman stayup..layan mpek bg xmengantuk..xbg mkn ubat sbb skt kpla sbb ckp ubt bahaya haha.abis tu den trpaksa tdo jela klo dh xleh mkn ubt tu.the struggle was very real okay..bkn main2. ms bz2 tu..mkn kdg2 xsempat..fkir kerja je byk xsiap..msg pun kdg2 jela mlm2 o lps siap still memahami and didnt giveup on me. keluar mkn pun mn dan je kan.haha.okayla dpt jumpa sekejap pun.sempat x sempat sempat juga tgk movies satu dua dlm bz2 tu..kekeke. thank you thank you thank you. you were a great support to me that time. moga Allah membalas jasa baik anda itu.i love you!;)

then blk rumah..yahooooo...smntra nk tggu viva tu tnm anggur kat rmh la.pstu dtg blk utk preparation viva. thank you too kak shila and afiq teman kat lab sampai 2pagi sehari sebelum viva. haha giles x giles. yela ptg tu sv suh tmbh lg kat slide mcm2..then nk siapkn kne siapkn la kn.ape pnya ayt nh. maaflah ayt tunggang langgang skit naa. bm dh kelaut.adess. and all in all kak shila had given me full support..yg byk teman kat lab sampai malam buat kerja..boleh dikatakan hari2 dlm bln1 tu.wlaupun aircond mati jam 8.30..bertahan stay smpi 11 lbih kdg2 tu..pstu blk smbung kje lagi klo mmpu.klo x tdo trus.pstu sok pg bgun dtg lab lg..rutin yg sme hr2..huaaaa...jasa dikenang selalu. i love you! smga phd akk dpermudahkan Allah juga..insyaAllah aamiin.

then lps viva..correction pulak.haa nmpk x journey dia..xsenang tau smbung bljr ni. so yg dh kje nk smbung bljr tu..fkir la 10x hahahahaha klo kwn2 yg dh kje nk smbung nh..den bg pndpt hentikan angan2 tu.kahkah.sbb ape..sbb dorg rs kje tu xbest..bljr tu best dorg xtau..zmn degree ritu lain sgt dgn master/phd nh.baik x kwn nh bg nsht cm gitu.kikiki.arigato. then smntra correction nh..thanks lot to kak ti, sarah, hanin and as. teman berjimba bg hilgkn stress.haha. tau aa berat turun giles spnjg dr awl thn tu smpi ke nk correction. depression?yapp maybe.tak disangkal. ade sbb lain juga yg mnyumbang..begitu juga dgn correction thesis. hanin siap offer nk tlg buatkn lg correction sbb nk give up je hr tu xnk hntr correction. terharuuuu tau dgrnye :'( thankyou fantastic 5. i love you guys.

tak dilupakan juga my dear chinggu tina yg slalu bg kata-kata smgt during my ups and down dr nk hntr thesis smpi je laa ni. i love you so much! she is always there when i need her. sayang byk2 soulmate.very nice and i never wanna lose her ever. and kwn2 dear raja and wan. my great supporters too.terima kasih doa-doanya..sayang korang selalu.wink2.

kwn2 lain yg xhenti2 bg smgt dan wishing me good luck..akmal, ashraffadk wa, ira, dayahfatin, kina, mira, noy, sabbyiffadilah, kak mazkak misah, kak ija, kak emily, hae dan lain2 yg mn mgkn xingt nk tulis nmenye. thank you everyone, me love you guys. thank you yaAllah for all these great people You made to come into my life.

and all the time thankyou to my lovely Ibu and Ayah for their endless love and supports and also money.mihmih.byk kot.haha. sorg ni je haa xkje2 lg kn..tukang abiskn boras haa. i'll pay both of you soon insyaAllah by becoming your daughter that you'll feel proud of.aamiin. I love both of you to my heart content! Ibu slalu kasi kata2 smgt kat whatsapp..pagi2..supaya anaknye ni truskn prjuangan dgn jayanya.yela klo nk cte bab lemah2 smgt nh..leh banjir kdg2 tu..nmpk je sasa kat lua..dlm hati de tmn orkid.lame.haha.xske nk cte mslh kat ibu ayh..xske bg dorg risau..jd klo leh settlekn sndri..akn try settlekn kdg2 tu mgkn xmmpu dan nk mengada skjp tu yg trbgtau kdg2 a part je bkn smua.heh. Ayah lak slalu bt ayt..kali ni bp lme lak nk stay utm.haha.yela asyik blk..pstu dtg blk..then blk..dtg xsiap2 kjenye.sbb tu kua ayt gitu. kali ni steady xbalik lg rumah dh sbln lbih stay utm nh..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...aimnye ms blk ritu nk siapkn smua bru blk insyaAllah..and here i am. tp nmpk sinar dh..insyaAllah i'll go back soon.yeyaayyy!

dan tak dilupakn my sv yg slalu bg dorongan,smgt,duit gaji,belanja makan slalu,bg kueh.haha.mcm ayah2 je..klo nk mengada mngadu mslh psl projek bgtau je dia..nnt leh brainstorm sesame mcm mn nk selesaikan. kdg2 dia xagkt sbb rs xnk agkt.hahahahahha pstu kelam kabut dtg lab pi cri dia kat ofis tnya knpa call..tu klo rajin..klo xrajin esoknye bru pi jumpa xpun call balik esok esok tu.pnh x ade stdnt mcm nh.kekeke.kwn2 lain smua kagum..kahkah..kagum perli my sv is super nice..dia okay je klo xagkt call tu..klo super penting dia akn call byk dh kali kdua tu rajin la agktnye.ngee.

dan juga seman, kaklong and angah. seman dgn klong slalu tny.."bile nk balik?"..dgn my mok.. "ble ayang nk blk?..haha trse special cm xdpt balik.huahua. klong la plg byk tny nye..seman tny ble nk siap.ingt zmn dgree dgn mster ni projek nye sme ke.klo sme meme senang la nk siap.adess.duku kang bru tau.haha.terima kasih doa-doanye kome woi. sayang slalu.eeeuwww xpnh ckp.kahkah.

all in all..thank you lot lot lot lot and lot to ALLAH for the experiences during my master's life nh. all the sweetness and bitterness making me to be stronger person. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

amik kau skali mpek pnjg giles ni haa..mcm bt my friends yg masih dlm journey postgrad dorg..all the best and i'll pray smoga dprmudahkn urusan smuanya..especially k.ti, as, hanin and sarah.kuat kuat kuat..boleh punya! so dh trmgntuk dgn skt tgkuk dh ni..haha..cau dlu aa..see ya adiossaa.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Loved, Its Over Now

It’s getting farther away, your heart is leaving
It’s getting smaller, my image (compared to) you
It’s cooling, our passionate story
When you’re still the only one for me
I try laughing. I try calling your name,
In case you’d come back.
Without having cried, deceiving myself
I call out your name once again.
Because it ended in the midst of love
Because you left me so easily
Our many memories, the many promises we made
They all ended with your few words.
In the warm sunshine, I alone am frozen now.
With the cold expression
And your back quickly turning from me
We ended.
I try laughing. I try calling your name,
In case you’d come back.
Without having cried, deceiving myself
I call out your name once again.
I just can’t believe it,
As I’ve always done,
I’ll keep hoping you’d come back.
How could I erase you?
Amongst the many people
I alone am by myself
Can’t even walk one step forward
Absentmindedly, I only look at that place you left
If we can go back to how we used to be
I’ll stop here at this place.
Although I’m a little scared,
Although it would be foolish
Even if I have to do this,
I’ll wait for you.

Saturday, June 3, 2017


Coming in unannounced, drag my nails on the tile
I just followed your scent, you can just follow my smile
All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine
Cutting me to the bone, nothing left to leave behind

You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon
I didn't come for a fight but I will fight till the end
And this one might be a battle, might not turn out okay
You know you look so Seattle, but you feel so LA

And I love the way you hurt me
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

I'm gonna get you to burst just like you were a bubble
Frame me up on your wall just to keep me out of trouble
Like a moth getting trapped in the light by fixation
Truly free, love it baby, I'm talking no inflation
Too many war wounds and not enough wars
Too few rounds in the ring and not enough settled scores
Too many sharks, not enough blood in the waves
You know I give my love a f-f-four letter na-na-name

And I love the way you hurt me
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

You're second hand smoke, second hand smoke
I breathe you in, but, honey, I don't know what you're doing to me
Mon chéri, but the truth catches up with us eventually
Try to say live, live and let live
But I'm no good, good at lip service
Except when they're yours, mi amor
I'm coming for you and I'm making war

And I still love the way you hurt me
And I still love the way I hurt you
It's irresistible, yeah
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby
I love the way, I love the way
I love the way you hurt me, baby

Sunday, May 7, 2017


I am tired of this place, I hope people change I need time to replace what I gave away And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes I see a little house on the hill and children's names I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray But everything is shattering and it's my mistake Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this The differences and impulses and your obsession with The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol I don't give a fuck, I'm not giving up, I still want it all Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes I see a little house on the hill and children's names I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray But everything is shattering and it's my mistake Only fools fall for you, only fools fall Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you, only fools fall Only fools do what I do, only fools fall Only fools fall for you (only fools) Only fools do what I do (only fools) Only fools fall for you (only fools) Only fools do what I do, only fools fall (Only fools) (Only fools) (Only fools) (Only fools)

only fools fall. remember. remember. remember. dont fall fools.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

aLwAys..always be.

When I wrote the song, I decided not to release the song. I thought the status described in the lyrics would go forever. So, (I’m) blaming others. Not others, but the world. I thought my status would be the same and I would not release the song. The reason why I released this song is because I no longer feel like the one (the character) in the lyrics. That’s why I was able to release the song. Many fans felt sad about it. However, by releasing the song, it was like saying bye to myself. To myself who had been sad in 2016 and 2015. That’s how I felt.
… After a series of the incidents that were ugly, I had a lot of thoughts. I did, in the beginning, when others talked about me in a criticizing way, rather, when others gave me unfavorable feedbacks or advice. It could be criticism, it could be condemnation. When I heard so, I felt like this in the beginning, “Why? I did it for a reason” Because I thought I have been like this. I thought I’ve never caused any trouble or inconvenience to others. I’ve never thought that way. Because I studied hard when I was young, I worked hard on music, I performed hard. I liked playing games. That’s what consisted of my life. At school, I was an obedient student, I did well at school so teachers liked me. I never fought with classmates and I was around with friends. I’ve never thought that my behaviors or my music or words could hurt others or inconvenience toward others. I never thought about it that way.
As I went through the year of 2016, I came to think about that. My words or my behaviors, regardless of my intentions, could cause troubles and hurt others' feelings. In the process, I thought I need to hold responsibility for that and I need to think about such things. What I said or did would not be undone, I thought so. Then I learned how to admit myself. It was hard to admit that I could hurt others' feelings. It took a long time. It was hard because I’ve never felt that way. Now, I feel much better about my feelings and emotions. Now, when I hear something about me, even if it’s criticism or condemnation, I am able to think about what made them say so. “What did I do wrong? What did I cause others to feel uncomfortable? What made them criticize me?” I am now able to think like that. For now, I can’t talk about what was changed in detail. Still, I may have another chance to talk about it later.
That’s why I was able to release “Always”. The lyrics are very defensive. I wrote the lyrics a year ago or so when I felt stressed. I am now able to release it because I no longer feel that way.

-Rapmon feelings for "Always" song. sad sad so sad. Its like my feelings..we are same rpmon haha..thankyou. lets admit if we are wrong and accept the goods one to improve ourselves. but dont be so rude, because i can be more than that. haha. adiossaaa~

One morning, I opened my eyes
And wished I was dead
I want someone to kill me
In this loud silence
I live to understand the world
But the world has never understood me, why
No, that half is missing
It's trying to hurt me...

Saturday, April 29, 2017

D0nt sAy g0odbye

I can’t read your feelings since you try not to meet eyes with me,
Because I feel like a lost child, I just wait

Truthfully, I know what you’re going to say,
But I can feel that it’s not your whole heart; your tears tell me

Don’t say goodbye,
I can hear your heart telling me not to let go of your hands,
I can hear you heart; You still just want me,
You can’t hide it, you can’t lie

I won’t allow it – your lie of wanting to separate,
Look in my eyes and tell me,
It’s not…it’s not the truth

Don’t say goodbye,
I can hear your heart telling me not to let go of your hands,
I can hear your heart; Even if the world turns its back on us; Even if it’s a painful love,
You are my love, you are my soul

Don’t say goodbye, don’t leave me now,
The promises we’ve shared is everything to me

Don’t say goodbye, you are my everything to me,
My tired days only look for you,
Like a pond which won’t dry, I’ll love you,
You are my love, you are my soul

Don’t say goodbye, you are the only one for me,
As if nothing has happened, if today passes,
Let’s not let go of each other, and we’ll make it through,
Cause you are my everything to me,
Cause you are my everything to me


reminisce the memory dgr blk lagu2 dbsk..super awesome. 
cute nye haaii

Monday, April 24, 2017

Ending Scene

Hi, it’s been a while
There’s no question mark in your voice, it’s so you
As if it’s a rule
Your seat is always the same, by the cold entrance

Make sure you eat well, because it’ll all pass
You’ll be able to fall asleep like you did before
I really mean it
You have the right to be happier

Don’t say those words, please
You know those words hurt even more
You say you’re gonna love me, what use is it?
You don’t know what kind of heart you gave me

As much as you were lonely
I really hope you meet someone
Who will love you more than you
I’m sorry that she’s not me
It’s not easy to give

Don’t say those words, please
You know those words hurt even more
You say you’re gonna love me, what use is it?
You don’t know what kind of heart you gave me

Please be honest with me
You know I believe anything you say
Just like you said
Will I ever receive love from someone who is like me?


This song is so so so sad. haha
my current state right now.
just can force a smile when read this lyrics.

"I really hope you meet someone who will love you more than you"

Saturday, April 22, 2017

And so love is....

Love comes close
But keeps going away
Love is out of countless of people
But only you
Love becomes the wind
Dream brings you to me
The first voice I hear all night becomes laughter
Before I know it you’re walking ahead of me
I couldn’t stop even for a moment and I think my heart is going to explode
My love for you that I have alone
It’s full and precious in my heart
My love for you that I have alone
It’s eternal and unwithering
Leftover sky black night wind
Memories of you that left me are lit brightly
In a world where everything is going to disappear
The desperate longing I have for you is growing
My love for you that I have alone
It’s full and precious in my heart
My love for you that I have alone
It’s eternal and unwithering
Maybe love is your hand I can’t reach
Trying to hold on
Maybe I’m trying to go
Where love doesn’t exist

Saturday, March 25, 2017



Everyone wants to get married right.
But, I dont. 
after so much heartbreaks..i dont think i can make it to marriage.haha
poor me? 
please dont.

lead your life as a single is less trouble.
believe me, i'd tried.

being single vs in a relationship.
its so much trouble being in a relationship. 
there is one other shinjang you must aware of..cant just think about yourself.
its also damn painful if the relationship fails.
so the safest method is not to involved in any kind of this BS.

but i'd dreamt of my fantasy marriage. 
if i'd ever marry someday. 
maybe not.
just my marriage goals.

i want to make it simple, after the pernikahan..solat sunat sujud syukur.
then a little feast for the guests.
the attire just a simple creamy white baju kurung which i'd already have.
haha amazing i'd prepared how many years ago..six?
then for the next day kenduri, also simple one..after the arrival of groom and bride, then eat..and i want to walk and greet the guests that come to the wedding.
say hai to each and everyone of them.
its not just stay at your place and see them from far no no. not my preference.
then for the baju..i'll just wear any baju raya dress that i already had. and my groom wear a simple baju melayu with same color.
then the pelamin, just make DIY.
the doorgift. just simple too.
lets get back to 90's. an egg for the doorgift. easy.
ahaa forgot. the hantaran..just 3. alQuran, sejadah and telekung. enough.
i dont prefer ring because not used to wear them, i already have rantai and gelang..then whats more?
i dont need anything then i guess.
for mas kahwin i dream to make my spouse to recite any ayat from the Quran. for example Surah Yasin and AlWaqiah.
no need dj or songs during the kenduri.
let it be peaceful.
then i would like to have son for my first new born if can.
i'll teach him basketball.kekekeke
he will grow up to be anak yg soleh, gentleman, tall and as handsome as his father ofcourse.
i cant handle if my daughter to be gedik type..thats why i prefer son instead. 
wahhhh.. my dream is big.

but but but.
it is just a beautiful dreams.
i cant fell in love anymore.
didnt have the heart anymore.
dont confuse i dont hate men..just i dont have any feelings for them anymore.
i just want to leave this world and meet Allah.
Allah's love one and only.
its enough for me insyaAllah.

but if someday Allah's fate that i'll get marry to someone..
i just hope he is capable to withstand me with a lot of sabar.
im not perfect..far away from it.
have many mengadeness, short-tempered and many more.
no one ever succeeded to not leave me.
all of them left.
left for good maybe.

its okay.
i'll live..and im living my best too.
there are many things you can do in this temporary world.
marriage is not the ultimate life goal.
the ultimate life goal is to die with ease, your grave is big and smells good and meet Allah with smile. being in syurga with Nabi Muhammad SAW and his companions, my families and friends.

all in all.
i dont hate marriage.
i pray for each and everyone of my friends to get married and live happily.
may them found their soulmates soon.

" You create your own happiness, not others. But first be happy with yourself. "

Sunday, January 29, 2017

House of Cards

It’s at stake again, it’s dangerous again
So bad why, we are, yeah
To withstand it more, to sustain it more
So hard (hard), it can’t
Even if I knew already
I can’t stop
No way, no way, no way i fall
As time passes
It just becomes more ruined
No way, no way it’s collapsing again ah
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more
As if there’s no such thing as tomorrow
As if there’s no such thing as a “next time”
Right now, in front of my eyes, everything without you
Is a terribly pitch-black darkness
I say it like a habit
We won’t work in the end
Even so, I keep hoping
As long as I’m with you in the end as well, I’m okay
Even if I knew already
I can’t stop
No way, no way, no way I fall
As time passes
It just becomes more ruined
No way, no way, no way its collapsing again ah
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more
Slow down the time
Please stay for a little more oh
Please Baby Calm down
Just a little more
More precarious more dangerous
we are so bad (so bad) yeah
To endure to support more
So hard as it falls again ah
A house made of cards, and us, inside
Even though the end is visible, even if it’s going to collapse soon
A house made of cards, we’re like idiots
Even if it’s a vain dream, stay like this a little more